Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry X'Mas Everyone!

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift just prior to Christmas. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask; just what did that turkey in there say?"

Friday, April 25, 2008

It was all a misunderstanding

Waitress: I would like to deny that what was reported ever happened. The ex-Minister did not fondle or molest me. It was all a misunderstanding.
Reporter: What made you make that report then? What actually happened?

Waitress: I did feel someone putting his hands on my backside. Then I felt the hand going higher. I protested, but it did not stop. I tried to pull the hand away, but the owner of the hand is much stronger than me. He was also drunk because I could smell it from his breath.

Reporter: What made you initially suspect that it was the ex-minister who did it?

Waitress: After pleading for sometime, I couldn't take it anymore so I screamed. Then they on the lights and the ex minister was next to me.

Reporter: You suspected that he was the one because he was next to you? It could have been others right?

Waitress: I thought it was him, because that night, he was the only customer. There was no one else in the bar except the bar boy, two other waitresses who were with the bar boy, the ex-minister and me. That was why I thought it was him.

Reporter: It could have been either of the waitresses or the bar-boy right?

Waitress: No it couldn't be, they were at quite a distance away. The lights were on only seconds after I screamed.

Reporter: Then how come you are now sure that it was not the ex-minister, since he was the only one close to you? Anyway, how close was he to you?

Waitress: He was very close, about 6 inches away. I only realised that it couldn't have been him when the police and his lawyers visited me a few days ago.

Reporter: How many of them visited you?
Waitress: 20 police personnel and 12 lawyers.

Reporter: So many of them? What did they say or do?

Waitress: They told me that that club is haunted. They said that a few years ago, a drunkard lecherous old man was shot dead for molesting a woman there. They added that it could be his ghost who did it.

Reporter: And you believed them?

Waitress: I was confused, but they brought an ex waitress who confessed that the same thing happened to her and coincidentally, the same ex minister was beside her. They said that, the dead man was an enemy of the ex minister so that was why his ghost did it every time he is around.

Reporter: Since the place is haunted, are you going back to work there?

Waitress: Oh no, I don't have to work anymore. The ex minister was so kind. He said that he took pity on me because I was molested by the ghost of his enemy. He blamed himself for what had happened to me. He gave me a cheque for 1 million ringgit, a condominium and an expensive car. He said I don't have to pay for the condominium. To show how he cares, he even took a key and said that he would be checking on me, to see if I need any help or if the ghost is still haunting me. That is why, I feel so bad that I had implicated a very good man.

KUALA LUMPUR:
The woman who lodged a police report alleging a former cabinet minister had outraged her modesty at her workplace in a hotel in KL Sentral cannot in law withdraw the report, said Gelugor MP Karpal Singh.
Karpal, a lawyer, said a person who lodged a police report could not at her whim and fancies withdraw a report by way of a letter or statutory declaration. The person ran the risk of lodging a false report and was bound by the contents of the report, he added.
"The police have to investigate the woman's report despite withdrawal of same by her. If the allegations against the ex-minister, as set out in the police report, are true, then the police have no alternative but to take action," he said.
Karpal said this was a serious offence under Section 354 of the Penal Code, which carried imprisonment of up to 10 years or fine or whipping or with two of such punishments.
He said that if it was revealed in the course of the investigation that the contents of the police report was false, then the woman concerned should be charged for giving false information to the police.
This was an offence under Section 182 of the Penal Code, which provided for an imprisonment for a term which may be extended to six months, or a fine which may extend to RM,2000, or both.
Karpal thus called on the police to carry out an in-depth investigation to determine the culpability of the ex-minister for allegedly outraging the woman's modesty, or the culpability of the woman concerned for giving false information to the police.
This would be in the public interest, he said.
The woman retracted the report lodged against the ex-minister, saying that she misunderstood the incident.

Monday, March 17, 2008

My favourite piece on our post-election analysis

Malaysian voters open the door for Anwar Ibrahim
Michael Backman
The Age
March 12, 2008


MALAYSIA Boleh! (Malaysia Can!) is Malaysia's national slogan but after last Saturday's elections, the real slogan should be Malaysians Boleh! for ordinary Malaysians are to be congratulated. The humiliation they handed their government at the federal and state elections demonstrates how politically sophisticated and mature they have become in the face of a high-handed and patronising government.

Five state governments were won by the opposition and federally, the Government had its worst showing ever. But it was the clinical precision in which voters went about their business that was most impressive.

Zainuddin Maidin, the information minister, lost his seat. A measure of how complacent the Government had become was its appointment of the inept Zainuddin to the role in the first place. His appalling performance on Al Jazeera television late last year was a very public international humiliation for all Malaysians. Voters did what Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi did not have the guts to do: they removed him from office.

Malaysia's media has become so discredited that local bloggers are now hugely popular. Zainuddin had patronisingly warned Malaysians about false information spread by bloggers. They responded by voting one of the most popular bloggers , Jeff Ooi into parliament.

The birthday of Samy Vellu, the long-serving public works minister and head of the party that represents Malaysia's Indian community, coincided with election day but it was Malaysians who got the birthday present. Samy lost his seat.

No one is more to blame than he for driving Malaysia's Indians into their pitiful state as second-class citizens. His deputy also lost his seat, as did the head of the party's youth wing, its vice-president, and the head of its women's wing. The party barely exists now.

Meanwhile, a lawyer who championed the rights of Indians and who has been detained without charge since December because of it, won a seat in a state parliament ­ a seat in which the majority of voters are actually Chinese. It seems that ordinary Malaysians have a greater sense of fair play than their Government.

The Government lost power in the state of Penang. Lim Guan Eng, the much-respected new chief minister, was arrested and jailed in 1994 after he distributed a brochure complaining about the handling of claims that the (then) chief minister of Malacca, Rahim Thamby Chik, had sexual relations with an under-age girl who happened to be one of Lim's constituents.

Unbelievably Thamby Chik was not charged for what amounted to statutory rape but Lim was, for having distributed the pamphlet. How embarrassing for Abdullah that he must now deal with a chief minister that his Government so unfairly jailed.

Only the state government of Sarawak was spared voters' ire but only because it had its elections last year. But nature will bring change there too. Its long-serving, outstandingly greedy, cancer-stricken chief minister is soon to learn that a shroud has no pockets.

More broadly, the very legitimacy of Abdullah's Government is open to question. At the federal level, the opposition received 47.8% of the vote; a remarkable result given voting fraud, a frightened media that gives the opposition almost no positive coverage, and severely rigged electoral boundaries. As it was, about a third of eligible voters did not vote, meaning that Abdullah's Government was returned by only four out of 10 eligible voters.

Late last year, I met with former finance minister and senior ruling party lawmaker Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah at his residence in Kuala Lumpur. He told me how appalled he was by the direction Malaysia had taken. He said that Malaysia needed a free media and a truly independent judiciary. He decried the corruption and nepotism that had beset the leadership of his own party. "But why don't you stand up in parliament and say these things?" I asked.

"Because the media would be instructed not to report it," he said.

If the opposition parties and their leaders can put their egos aside and think strategically, they have a chance of giving Malaysia what it sorely needs, a stable two-party system.

Opposition figure Anwar Ibrahim will become eligible for election next month with the expiry of the ban following his criminal conviction.

The nightmare scenario for Abdullah is that Anwar's wife, who was again elected on Saturday, will resign in the coming months, forcing a by-election at which Anwar will be elected. He might then help to coalesce the opposition parties into a more unified and effective voice. If he were to lure the Chinese-based MCA and perhaps the Sarawak-based United Traditional Bumiputera Party away from the ruling coalition, then the opposition would have precisely half the members of parliament. And if just one more government member were to walk, ­ Tengku Razaleigh perhaps ,­ then the Government will fall after 50 years in office. The current 13-party ruling coalition would be replaced by a five-party coalition. Whether or not this happens, there will be constant tension from the fact that it might.

Abdullah has emerged as probably Malaysia's most pointless prime minister. The election results are an unmitigated disaster for him and his Government. If the opposition is sufficiently disciplined and the ruling coalition starts to crack, then his nightmare has only just begun. Could Abdullah negotiate such a minefield? So far his political talents don't seem to have stretched beyond using chemical-laden water cannons against his own people.

It would seem his days are numbered.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

40 things you'd like to say out loud at work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your a**?

40. Oh I get it... like humour... but different.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Where not to eat..

If ever you happen to go to PJ Old Town, there is a food circus.. er.. I mean.. food court diagonally across the traffic-lighted crossroads from Public Bank. If you also happen to be hungry, this is as good a place as any to find good food for a reasonable price... with one exception but we'll get to that later.

All the establishments here seem quite.. well.. established (",) with a steady stream of customers and all available tables taken. Never mind that the weather outside was sweltering hot and humid, the patrons keep coming in. Luckily, the drink sellers were prepared with their renditions of ice kacang and '"leong sui" (herbal tea)

There is this particularly well patronised stall that sells "char-siu" (barbequed, glazed pork), "siu-yok" (barbequed belly pork) and "siu-kai" (barbequed chicken) available with your choice of rice or porridge (congee to some folks).

Now, my boyfriend LOVES pork. Ergo, he made a bee-line for this stall and ordered "chair-siu-kai" (which is a combination of equal portions of each served with rice, for the benefit of those who are not well-versed with Chinese fare).

As he sat down at our table, he kept a firm eye on Stall 41 and noted that there was never a time when there weren't people standing on the sidelines, waiting for their take-away orders. The only server manning the tables was a harried Indonesian lady but she was efficient.

When his order came (cost him RM4.50), the portions were too small for his liking, so he decided to add a side order of "siu-yok". This came shortly after in an even smaller portion (yes, it was possible!) at a staggerring RM3!

I counted that there were only 7 bite-sized pieces of pork with 2 slices of cucumber and a careless garnish of chinese parsley. Wow! The only excuse for such a steep price tag would be the taste. So we each picked out a piece and chomped down, fully anticipating a good treat for our palate.

Alas..! Disappointments abound. There were no taste explosions. No heavenly amalgamation of flavours just regular barbequed pork. Nothing remotely spectacular about that taste to warrant the premium pricing *sigh* What a disappointment :(

I wonder if there is a "char-siu" sellers' association that I can refer to for guidelines on price setting?